The All-New Muppet Show/Episode 115 transcript
Prologue: The Guest Star's dressing room Scooter: On Door 5 Times "(Guest Star's name), oh, (Guest Star's Name), 13 2nds 'til curtain, Mr. (Guest Star's Last Name)." Guest Star: "Thanks a bunch, Scooter, I'll be with you guys in a couple of minutes." Scooter: "And just for you to know, beware of bad luck happening in this theater, 'cause when it happens, we begin speaking in Spanish language." Cut to Kermit appearing through The All-New Muppet Show logo........ Kermit: "It's The All-New Muppet Show, with our very special guest star, Mr. Sean Astin, yaaaaay!" In Background Rowlf: On Piano Keys Music In Background Female Muppet friends: It's time to play the music it's time to light the lights it's time to meet the Muppets on The All-New Muppet Show tonight Male Muppet friends: it's time to put on make-up it's time to dress up right it's time to raise the curtain on The All-New Muppet Show tonight Waldorf: why do we always come here? Statler: I guess we'll never know Waldorf: it's like some kind of torture Statler and Waldorf: to have to watch the show Continues In Background Kermit: and now let's get things started Miss Piggy: why don't you get things started Kermit and Muppet friends: it's time to get things started on the most sensational inspirational celebrational Muppetational this is what we call The All-New Muppet Show.......... Organ Sounds Scene 1: Onstage/The Introduction Kermit: "Thank you, everybody and welcome again to The All-New Muppet Show, that's exactly right, tonight's guest star is Mr. (Guest Star's Name), and that's not all, he's best known as Samwise Gamgee in The Lord of the Rings movie series, but 1st, it's time for an opening musical number." Walter: "Hey, Kermit, just for you to know, there's a sign of bad luck happening and it's causing everybody to speak in Spanish language." Kermit: "Oh, Walter, I'm pretty sure it won't (he's suddenly affected by the curse.) ocurrir (happen)." Kermit:"¡Oh, querida, me vino primero!" ("Oh dear, it came to me 1st!") Kermit: "Pero de todos modos, aquí está el número musical de apertura." ("But anyway, here's the opening musical number.") Opening musical number: Rainbow Connection (Spanish version) Kermit: On Banjo Kermit: ¿Por qué hay tantos ''(''Why are there so many) canciones sobre arco iris (songs about rainbows) y lo que está en el otro lado ''(''and what's on the other side) Kermit (continued) los arco iris son visiones (rainbows are visions) pero sólo ilusiones (but only illusions) y arco iris no tienen nada que ocultar (and rainbows have nothing to hide) Kermit: así que nos han dicho (so we've been told) y algunos optaron por creerlo (and some chose to believe it) sé que están mal esperar y ver (I know they're wrong wait and see) Kermit (continued): algún día lo encontraremos (someday we'll find it) la conexión arco iris (the rainbow connection) los amantes (the lovers) los soñadores (the dreamers) y yo (and me) Music Continues Kermit: quien dijo que cada deseo (who said that every wish) serían escuchados y contestados (would be heard and answered) cuando se desea en la estrella de la mañana (when wished on the morning star) Kermit (continued):alguien pensó en ello (somebody thought of it) y alguien creyó (and someone believed it) y mira lo que ha hecho hasta ahora (and look what it's done so far) Kermit: que es tan asombroso (what's so amazing) que nos mantiene mirando las estrellas (that keeps us star gazing) y qué crees que podríamos ver (and what do you think we might see) Kermit (continued): algún día lo encontraremos (someday we'll find it) la conexión arco iris (the rainbow connection) los amantes (the lovers) los soñadores (the dreamers) y yo (and me) Kermit: todos nosotros bajo su hechizo (all of us under its spell) sabemos que es probablemente la magia (we know that it's probably magic) Kermit (continued): has estado medio dormido (have you been half asleep) y has oído voces (and have you heard voices) los he oído llamar mi nombre (I've heard them calling my name) Kermit: es este el dulce sonido (is this the sweet sound) que llama a los jóvenes marineros (that calls the young sailors) La voz podría ser uno y la misma (the voice might be 1 and the same) Kermit (continued): lo he oído muchas veces para ignorarlo (I've heard it too many times to ignore it) es algo (it's something) que se supone que debo ser (that I'm supposed to be) Kermit: algún día lo encontraremos (someday we'll find it) la conexión arco iris (the rainbow connection) los amantes (the lovers) los soñadores (the dreamers) y yo (and me) da dum da dee da da dum (la, da, da di da, da, dum) La da di da di ''(''la, da, di,da, dum, di, da, do) Cut to Statler and Waldorf in the balcony....... Statler: "I'm lucky to not be speaking Spanish langauge." Waldorf: "Well I'm lucky not to be speaking in German language." Statler: "The language of music and comedy!" Statler and Waldorf: Uncontrollably Cut back to Kermit in his office backstage........ Scooter: "Hey, Kermit, congratulations on your opening musical number." Kermit: "Thanks a bunch, Scooter, I appreciate it." Kermit realizes that he's now speaking in English language. Kermit: "Finally, I'm speaking in English language, now let's see what's next, (he looks right at the lists.) oh, Bear on Patrol is next, Bear on Patrol is next onstage, everybody." Bear on Patrol sketch number: Playing bagpipes loudly in a public library Announcer: "And now, ridding the world of evil, here's Bear on Patrol." Fozzie/Patrol Bear: "Okay, right this way, there we go, perfect." Link Hogthrob/Officer Hogthrob: "What's the trouble this time, Patrol Bear?" Fozzie/Patrol Bear: "This young man has been caught playing his bagpipes loudly in a public library." Link Hogthrob/Officer Hogthrob: "Oh yeah, I see, tell me your name, please." Angus McGonagle: "Aam Angus McGonagle, kind sairrr, I would ne'er play mah bagpipes loodly in a public library." Link Hogthrob/Officer Hogthrob: "Let me check the guilty and innocent list." Link Hogthrob scans right through the innocent list and finds Angus McGonagle's name on here. Link Hogthrob: "Yep, you're innocent after all, you can let him go now, Patrol Bear." Patrol Bear: "Thanks a bunch, Officer Hogthrob sir." Cut back to Statler and Waldorf in the balcony again..... Waldorf: "Angus's bagpipes are super musical." Statler: "And they're super loud." Waldorf: "Music to my '''''ears!" Statler and Waldorf: Uncontrollably Again Talk Spot Kermit: "So, (Guest Star's 1st Name), what did your number 1 fans think about your performance as Samwise Gamgee in The Lord of the Rings'' movie series?" Guest Star: "They really loved it, I was super incredible working with Elijah Wood in those 3 movie series." Kermit: "Oh really, that's good to know about." ''The Swedish Chef'' sketch number: Deep dish pepperoni pizza Swedish Chef: Yorn desh born, der ritt de gitt der gue, orn desh, dee born desh, de umn bork, bork, bork Swedish Chef: "Tuneeght, ve-a're-a mekeeng a deep deesh pepperunee peezza, yoommy guud it is." Swedish Chef: "Furst, preheet zee oofee tu fuoor hoondred und feeffty degrees Fehrenheeet." The Swedish Chef preheats the oven to 450 degrees fahrenheit. Swedish Chef: "Next, get oooot a fruzee deep deesh fuoor cheese-a peezza frum zee freezer." The Swedish Chef gets out a frozen deep dish 4 cheese pizza from the freezer. Swedish Chef: "Next, ve-a poot sume-a pepperunees oon it." The Swedish Chef puts some pepperonis on the frozen deep dish 4 cheese pizza top. Swedish Chef: "Noo ve-a poot it in zee oofee fur thurty meenootes." The Swedish Chef puts the frozen deep dish pepperoni pizza in the oven and sets the microwave timer for 30 minutes. Timer Beeping The Swedish Chef puts on his oven mitts and takes the deep dish pepperoni pizza outta the oven and puts it right on the counter top. Swedish Chef: Und zeere-a yuoo hefe-a it, a deep deesh pepperunee peezza fur zee must perffect loonch cumbu." The deep dish pepperoni pizza comes to life. Talking Deep Dish Pepperoni Pizza: "Hey, howdy doody, look at me." Swedish Chef: "Vhet zee hey?" Cut to Statler and Waldorf in the balcony again......... Waldorf: "I enjoy deep dish pizza lunches." Statler: "And I enjoy turkey noodle soup myself." Waldorf: "Lunch food power!" Statler and Waldorf: Uncontrollalbly Again Cut back to Kermit in his office backstage again...... Kermit: "Pigs in Space is next, Pigs in Space is next onstage, everybody." Pigs in Space sketch number: Cockroach Zapper 800 Announcer: "And now it's time for Pigs in Spaaaace, starring Captain Link Hogthrob, 1st Mate Piggy and the wise cracking scientific genius, Dr. Strangepork, where we last left our heroes aboard the swine trek." Link Hogthrob: "It sure gets pretty boring around here." Miss Piggy/1st Mate Piggy: "Another day of Dr. Strangepork's crazy inventions." Dr. Strangepork: "Hey, check out my new invention, you guys." Link Hogthrob: "What is it, Dr. Strangepork?" Dr. Strangepork: "It's the Cockroach Zapper 800." Miss Piggy/1st Mate Piggy: "What exactly does it do, Dr. Strangepork?" Dr. Strangepork: "It helps to get rid of an invasion of cockroaches." Link Hogthrob: "In fact, they're coming in right now." Miss Piggy/1st Mate Piggy: "What the-" Dr. Strangepork zaps the cockroaches away with the Cockroach Zapper 800. Dr. Strangepork: "And there you have it." Link Hogthrob: "What a relief." Announcer: "Will Captain Link Hogthrob ever keep control of the Swine Trek? will Dr. Strangepork ever keep horrid critters away? does 1st Mate Piggy know what's happening? find out on the next exciting episode of Pigs in Spaaaace." Cut to Statler and Waldorf in the balcony again........ Statler: "I used to have a fear of cockroaches." Waldorf: "And I used to have a fear of wasps myself." Statler: "Be super careful around pesky insects!" Statler and Waldorf: Uncontrollably Again Cut back to Kermit in his office backstage again...... Kermit: "Veterinarian's Hospital is next, Veterinarian's Hospital is next onstage, everybody." Veterinarian's Hospital sketch number: Chip as the patient Announcer: "And now, Veterinarian's Hospital, the continuing story of a quack who's gone to the dogs." Rowlf/Dr. Bob: "And so I was outside watering my tulips and suddenly, something unexpecting happened, a meat eating plant rised up from the ground and I ran away to avoid getting eaten alive." Janice/Nurse Janice: "Oh, Dr. Bob, you and your plant jokes." Miss Piggy/Nurse Piggy: "So, Dr. Bob, who's the patient this time?" Rowlf/Dr. Bob: "Behold, observe and watch." Rowlf/Dr. Bob pulls back the corner of the green quilt to reveal Chip as their patient. Chip: "What's going on around here?" Chip: A Bit Janice/Nurse Janice: "Oh wow, Chip, like, what just happened to you here?" Chip: "I was watering my house plants and dusting the shelves and I suddenly got this head cold." Miss Piggy/Nurse Piggy: "That's a real bummer." Rowlf/Dr. Bob: "Well just take plenty of liquids and fluids and get plenty of beauty sleep." Chip: "Easy for you guys to say." Announcer: "Will Dr. Bob ever keep up with his patients? will Nurse Janice ever stay in business? does Nurse Piggy know what to do with every single patient? tune in next week when you hear Nurse Janice say-" Janice/Nurse Janice: "So, Dr. Bob, any words for this patient?" Rowlf/Dr. Bob: "Well, Nurse Janice, I say he's a pretty big sneezer." Cut to Statler and Waldorf in the balcony again........ Waldorf: "I sure hope Chip recovers from his head cold." Statler: "And I sure hope he'll be good as new." Waldorf: "Always keep your medical bills paid!" Statler and Waldorf: Uncontrollably Again Cut back to Kermit in his office backstage again........ Kermit: "Muppet Labs is next, Muppet Labs is next onstage, everybody." Muppet Labs sketch number: Invisibility Mints Ticking [Muppet Labs Theme Music In Background] Bunsen: "Dr. Bunsen Honeydew, here at Muppet Labs where the future is being made today." (Brief pause) Bunsen: "That's exactly right, we're testing out our new invention: Invisibility Mints." (Another brief pause) Bunsen: "Have you ever wanted to be invisible against street burglars or neighborhood bullies? well, Invisibility Mints are the answer to your problems, which of course my faithful assistant, Beaker, will now demonstrate, (he turns over to where Beaker is standing.) go ahead, Beaker." Beaker: "Mee, mo, mee, mee." Beaker takes 1 Invisibility Mint and begins sucking on it then eating it as well. Bunsen: "Observe and watch what happens." Beaker suddenly becomes invisible. Invisible Beaker: And Meeping In Alarm Bunsen: "Oh, Beaker, where in the universe did you go? well that's all the time we have for tonight, so join us next time at Muppet Labs where the future is being made today." Cut to Statler and Waldorf in the balcony again...... Waldorf: "Beaker looks just like an invisible ghost spirit." Statler: "Well it must be a breeze going by." Waldorf: "It can't get any worse than that!" Statler and Waldorf: Uncontrollably Again Cut back to Kermit onstage...... Kermit: "And now, ladies and gentlemen, it's time for the closing musical number." Closing musical number: The Lion Sleeps Tonight Music In Background Gonzo: Wee da dee, dee da dee da dee, dee wee da, dee, dee da dee wee da dee, dee da dee da dee, dee wee, da, dee, dee, da dee Kermit, Fozzie and Scooter: awee eeeeeee '' ''weeoh aweem away '' ''awee eeeeee '' ''dee aweem away Kermit: In the jungle '' ''the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight in the jungle '' ''the quiet jungle the lion sleeps tonight Kermit, Fozzie, Gonzo and Scooter: awee eeeeeee '' ''weeoh aweem away '' ''awee eeeeee '' ''dee aweem away Fozzie: near the village '' ''the peaceful village the lion sleeps tonight near the village '' ''the quiet village the lion sleeps tonight Kermit, Fozzie, Gonzo and Scooter: awee eeeeeee '' ''weeoh aweem away '' ''awee eeeeee '' ''dee aweem away Gonzo: hush my darling don't fear my darling the lion sleeps tonight hush my darling don't fear my darling the lion sleeps tonight Kermit, Fozzie, Gonzo and Scooter: awee eeeeeee '' ''weeoh aweem away '' ''awee eeeeee '' ''dee aweem away Continues In Background Scooter: "Okay, everybody, let's try to keep it down out there 'cause the lion's fast asleep and if he wakes up, he's got a super big set of problems." Ends Cut to Statler and Waldorf in the balcony once again...... Waldorf: "This classic song almost made me fall asleep for a couple of days and nights." Statler: "I sure am lucky that a wild lion or tiger won't attack us." Waldorf: "Welcome to the jungle life!" Statler and Waldorf: Uncontrollably Once Again Scene 2: Back onstage/welcoming the Guest Star Kermit: "Thank you, everybody out there, and not only that we speak from English to Spanish language, you all did good out there, but right before we leave, please give a nice warm welcome to Mr. (Guest Star's Name), yaaaaaay!" The Guest Star arrives out onstage. Guest Star: "Thanks a bunch, everybody, it's been such an honor being on the show with you guys." Scooter: "Hey, just for you guys to know, Walter's been struck by the curse and is speaking in Spanish language again." Kermit: "Good grief, I don't believe this." Walter: "Kermit, chicos, nunca creerás lo que me pasó." ("Kermit, guys, you'll never believe what just happened to me.") Bunsen: "Beaker, turn Walter's language back to English language, please." Beaker: Mee, mee! Beaker pulls down the lever and Walter's language is back to English language again. Walter: "Finally, back to English language again." Kermit: "What a relief, but we'll see you next time on The All-New Muppet Show." Category:The All-New Muppet Show season 1 transcripts